go do what you do best...puke behind churches
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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