You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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