I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
