I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
