im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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