I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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