Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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