My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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