What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
