It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
