you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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