Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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