Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
