For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
