Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize