Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
