She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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