1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
