I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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