He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
