i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
