I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
