I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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