I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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