We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
