I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
All the doctor said was why
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
