dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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