Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
