My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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