just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
