I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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