Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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