This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
