Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
