oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
