I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
