we have pet lesbian snakes
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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