I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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