Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
