I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I am naked and annoyed.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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