I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
