i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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