Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
