I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
