My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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