im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
