ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize