forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
