The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
