need another drink. this is the easiest way
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize