im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
