easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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