i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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