My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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