Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
