Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
