I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
