she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
PANTIES FOUND
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
