I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm sobbing to NWA
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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