Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize