I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
this boner is exhausting
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
