My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
