I think I died a long time ago.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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