So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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