An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
These tits shall not be calmed
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
