brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
