I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Pants are for mortals
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