Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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